24 Apr Giving Up the Need to Be Right to Have More Love
In her Ted talk from March 2012, University of Houston research professor Brené Brown makes a claim that vulnerability is the only way to create intimacy. “If we are going to find a way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path.” Indeed, closeness is the foundation for any relationship. But there needs to be a willingness from both sides to be open to that level of intimacy. Love is based on a decision to be extremely vulnerable with another person. Love doesn’t happen to you. You choose it.
As a recovering “need to be right” person, I grew up in an era and a home where “being right” was highly valued. From my first days in school I saw that raising your hand and having the “right” answer meant you were smart. At home “being right” meant being loved for being smart. I was brainwashed into believing that when I was “right,” I was good enough to be loved. Quite the ego boost! But that was about it. It certainly didn’t boost my long-term confidence.
As I grew up and matured, I found out there is something so much more important than being “right.” It’s being “loved.” I discovered that when I was committed to being “right,” it always meant making someone else “wrong.” As you know, feeling wrong does not go well with feeling loved.
Relationship expert and soul sister, Heide Banks, was pondering an old fight she had with her ex-husband after she asked him to buy her some iron supplements at the drugstore and he forgot. She mentioned it to her friend Nat when she was asking him why he thought she was having such a difficult time with relationships.
Nat said: “One word: liquid iron.”
To which Heide replied: “That’s two words.“
“Exactly!” said Nat.
In a flash of a moment, Nat pointed out to Heide that her need to be “right” was getting in the way of her desire to be loved.
“I think that was the last time I corrected a man,” Heide shared.
Since that time, Heide is now happily in love with her soulmate and having the time of her life.
So many of us like to assume a rigid stance and “dig in our heels” to fight for our point of view and prove how “right” we are — often about some pretty stupid stuff. The cost of needing to be right is hurting, harassing or humiliating the ones we claim to love the most.
Over the years I have finally learned to manage my mind and my mouth. I’ve learned that most of the time it’s not necessary to “correct” anyone on what I think is right or wrong unless it’s really pertinent to someone’s well-being. Now, when I am smart enough to “catch” myself, and I am about to blurt out something in order to be “right,” I slap some imaginary masking tape over my mouth and choose love instead.
Arielle Ford is a leading personality in the personal growth and contemporary spirituality movement. For the past 25 years she has been living, teaching, and promoting consciousness through all forms of media. She is a relationship expert, speaker, and the producer and host of Evolving Wisdom’s Art of Love series.
Arielle is a gifted writer and the author of ten books including the international bestseller, THE SOULMATE SECRET: Manifest The Love of Your Life With The Law of Attraction. Her most recent book, Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate (Harper One/Elixir) offers 16 simple, easy, and fun ways to reignite and stay in love, passion and respect to your relationship – no matter how many years it’s been since you first fell in love. With practical tools, techniques and actionable steps, this book provides everything you need to quickly create harmony and happiness on the path to a legendary love relationship. For free chapters please visit www.ArielleFord.com
Arielle has been called “The Cupid of Consciousness” and “The Fairy Godmother of Love.” She lives in La Jolla, CA with her husband/soulmate, Brian Hilliard and their feline friends.