You are about to become husband and wife. Marriage is one of the best personal investments of your life. Research shows that married people enjoy greater levels of health, wealth and happiness. Now I’m going to help you protect your vital investment. Like anything else in life, it takes skills and education to be a successful wife or a husband. Would you like to learn how to create a marriage that grows, pays huge rewards, and lasts a lifetime?
In the next five minutes, you will read secrets that normally take up to three months of coaching to teach my clients (and what I’ve spend the past 25 years teaching in person and on television).
The first thing couples in trouble say to me when they sit down in my office is, “we’ve grown apart.” But I want you to know it is possible to grow together. In fact, couples who get qualified premarital coaching have 2/3 fewer divorces. Here are the four secrets to growing your love over a lifetime: Insight, Skill, Action and Practice.
Insight – what do you believe about the most impactful aspects of your marriage – money, sex, and power? We all form beliefs about life when we are children that then become hardwired patterns in our brains. The good news is that the brain is a programmable tool; you can change your beliefs. Follow these three simple steps.
1. Write down what you learned about the three important areas – money, sex and power — as well as what you believe about women, men and relationships. Hint: what was your parents’ marriage like? What are their beliefs? Take a look at your life; do you see patterns you’ve been repeating? Nobody’s bad or good; we are just products of what we learn.
2. Take your old beliefs and change them to positive beliefs you want to see in your marriage.
3. Talk these over with your mate to build understanding and support to make these changes.
Skill – do you know how to talk things out, prevent conflicts, and keep energy high and hot? In communicating about “touchy issues” or when you are upset, start with a soft open (i.e. I love you and I’m so glad we can talk things out), proceed to talk about how you feel with ‘I’ messages. Avoid ‘You’ messages, which tend to be blaming. You might say, “I feel sad or hurt”. Then make a request such as, “would you mind helping me take out the trash?” Close softly by reaffirming your love and faith.
Action – these actions are marriage insurance:
1. Create a plan for your life together, set your intentions physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. How do you want it to look and feel in those four areas?
2. Write it down and create action steps to achieve those goals.
3. Get support. None of us can achieve our dreams alone.
Practice – You know practice makes perfect. The same goes with your marriage. Every day you should take time to share and connect with your partner. Make it a point to take a class and regularly read books to grow your marriage, money and parenting skills. This is why I created the annual Love, Money & Seva Summit – to help couples grow together.
Originally featured in Bridal Fantasy Magazine 2011
Dr. Brenda Wade
Noted psychologist and expert for the Dr. Oz show and numerous national TV programs.
Dr. Brenda Wade is a sought after TV expert, speaker, author of four books and numerous e- books. An internationally recognized leader in the Human Relations field, specializing in modern relationships, diversity and inclusion remediation and training, Dr. Brenda delivers intersectional presentations that transform embedded patterns of racism, sexism and homophobia. Her expertise has been utilized by entertainment, sports, government, Colleges and Universities, private and nonprofit entities. She writes as the “love ambassador” for Online For Love, PR and created the science based Modern Relationships Training Programs, her motto is “Learn Better Love Better!”
She has hosted four national television programs as well as the longest running San Francisco Bay Area KRON 4 TV program; Black Renaissance.
Currently Dr. Wade serves as the chapter chair of the Zenith level, Women Presidents Organization (WPO), Silicon Valley Founders Organization, Allies Creating Equity (ACEs), the Lorraine Hansberry Theater Board and Teneral Cellars Board; an all women owned and operated winery with a social justice mission.
Past community service includes among others, chair of the San Francisco Human Rights Commission and Rafiki Community Health Coalition board.
Dr. Wade received her doctorate from the University of Washington, Seattle.